Smarty Pants

I can see you now, hunched over your laptop, obsessively pressing the refresh button on your browser. Biding your time, chewing on your own bottom lip, and crying out in the darkness for more of my deep and penetrating insights into the soul of man and the world around us. It’s OK. I know. I’m here now. It’s going to be alright.

I’m going to be straight with you guys though, and this might be a little alarming. But the truth is, I actually don’t have ALL the answers. Yes, I do have most of the answers, but now that I have a smartphone I really don’t need to remember much more than a few preverbal grunts and how to use the toilet without falling in. Like many of you, I carry around the accumulated wisdom, knowledge, and history of the entire human race in the pocket of my jeans. OK, there’s probably more porn in there than wisdom, but you get my point. Ironically, It seems like the more access to information we have, the less we know.

I just saw a poll from a couple years ago saying that 37% of American citizens couldn’t find America on a map… on a map of America! 26% couldn’t name the country that we declared independence from. This all seemed really shocking to me, until I realized that part of that percentage is babies. Most likely, ALL the babies are in that 37%. And babies are so dumb. I don’t think most babies could even tell you what a map is. Or what a country is for that matter. They just don’t know anything. And I think there’s really only one solution — we take the smartphones away from the adults and give them to the babies. There, two problems solved.

I know what you’re probably saying to yourself, “Why didn’t I think of that.” Well, that’s why I’m here my friends – to think about the important things so you don’t have to. Which brings me to my final point. Apparently a lot of you are actually reading this. Or at least opening the page in your browser. Trust me, I’m more surprised than you. But since you’re here, I’m gonna need your help. If I’m going to keep giving you these literary gems everyday, I’d like your ideas. Leave a comment with a question you’d like me to answer, or a topic you’d like to read a blog about. I promise to take as many suggestions as I can. Ok? Got it? Go…

Howdy ho,
Eliot

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5 Responses to Smarty Pants

  1. lisa says:

    i never ask babies for directions for precisely this reason. thank you for bringing it up. my question is why do guys act like they like women they really do not..sleeping with women they have no intention of ever calling again, etc. and act like they don’t like women they really do like..i.e. teasing and such? is there a pamphlet on this somewhere? can you please condense all male behavior into a few paragraphs? thank you.

  2. TamTam says:

    I second Lisa’s request for an explanation of male behavior 🙂

  3. sdh says:

    Woolen Socks!

  4. Rachel says:

    How do you write your songs? Lyrics or music first? Is it easier to write something funny or more emotional? What is the most odd thing/person/place that has inspired a song?

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