Sometimes you just need a sandwich. Take yesterday, for example. I was sitting on my couch, staring off into space, thinking about sad unicorns. All of a sudden, I had the thought, “I should just have a sandwich.” I instantly felt better.
There are so many times you just need a sandwich that it’s hard to know where to start. Sandwiches are great after a long run, or during a meeting that’s running long. A sandwich makes any shower better. And a sandwich for dessert, after a dinner of sandwiches is pure decadence.
There are plenty of other times when a sandwich is the perfect thing, that you might not have considered. Right before you break up with your girlfriend, have a sandwich – it will make the whole experience that much better. Or if your girlfriend is trying to break up with you, pull out a sandwich. It will throw her off, and you’ll look cool doing it.
The more I think about this, the more I’m convinced that there is no human experience that a sandwich couldn’t improve upon. The next time you’re making out with someone, grab a sandwich and see if things don’t get really hot, really fast. One time I fell off of my skateboard and broke both my legs. A friend came skating up with an egg salad sandwich, and I ate it right away. I stood right back up, and started skating again.
If you go to the doctor, and he tells you have a terminal illness, obviously you’ll be a little upset for a few minutes. But, if you eat a sandwich, you’ll probably forget all about the short amount of time you have left to live.
You can also juice a sandwich. There’s nothing like fresh sandwich juice. You can wear them as gloves, or smoke a sandwich through a pipe. I stuck a sandwich in my Wii and all the Miis got to eat. If you ask your sandwich the right questions, it can accurately predict your future. A sandwich can be used as a projectile or a blanket. I lived for two years inside a sandwich. My mom is a sandwich. Stop looking at me like that.