Heat-Seeking Missive

One of the reasons I like living in Georgia is the weather. Not the psycho, out of place, thank you very much global warming, kind of weather. (Not that global warming isn’t of course a hoax, perpetrated by the Freemasons, in collusion with the United Federation Of Doll Clubs, and masterminded by the evil geniuses at SurfWear Hawaii.) I for one like the fact that it almost never snows in Atlanta. I’m OK with not having to dress for the Arctic Tundra just to leave the house. Which brings me to my problem. This year it’s been so cold in the southland that I have had to dress like it’s the planet Hoth, just to get to my car.

But let’s say you aren’t just going to hang out in your car all day. Not that that’s not a killer time! Let’s assume you have another destination in mind. Let’s say you are meeting some friends to talk trash and drink rotten malted barley. Sometimes it’s a little cumbersome to have that thermal bodysuit with you all night, in a well heated pub. You end up taking half of your layers off, just so you don’t look like you’ve just taken a Bikram Yoga class. I’m talking about sweat people.

So, what do you do? Leave your hideous oversized winter coat in the car and run through the Icelandic desert to warm up inside, or take a pile of clothes and a propane torch with you to insure you don’t become a human popsicle on your way to base camp? This is no doubt, one of those age-old dilemmas that have plagued mankind since Time Immemorial. Or at least since Jesus invented the furnace. Some of his best work if you ask me.

I fully believe it’s a question that can’t be answered, like “what is dark matter,” or “where does dental floss come from.” We’ll just have to hold out and do our best until the Earth gets nice and toasty. Which, now that I think about it, might answer another of man’s gnawing questions… “why are we here?” God needed central heating. And now that we’ve provided that much needed service, we’re just taking up space that could be a waterpark for angels.

I’m ready for spring.

Ciao,
Eliot

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7 Responses to Heat-Seeking Missive

  1. apparently you left the northeast before you could accumulate the various attire needed for the tundra. the big ugly coat is only for taking snow off the car. then there’s the car coat that is wool but only comes down to your hips so you aren’t sexually assaulted while you drive. there’s the nice looking but not warm enough coat that is a size too big so it fits over the old navy sweatshirt jacket. and then for the nights of which you speak, everyone must have the elegant black wool coat that looks as nice as your clothes. the jfk inaugural coat if you will. for each of these, you need different boots. different hats. and different gloves. and a big coat closet. i’m thinking you were smart to move…it’s only 16 degrees here today, and it took me hours to read your blog, because scrolling with mittens on is hard.

  2. i know! this is why i just make the mad dash. the rest of the time i daydream about warmer climates.

  3. Steen says:

    Lisa… I take back my visiting you for a blizzard plans. I can’t fit that many coats into my carry-on!

  4. steen, blizzard attire is totally different. it’s just jammies with socks! unless you’re nuts enough to go outside. then it’s metal trash can lids. on your feet for walking. on your ears. on your backside for when you need to slide somewhere. as a shield. you get the idea. ….come up!!!

  5. Damn! So, I guess this puts me out of the running for a visit here, by you … EVER ad-infinitum! Oh ye of little ‘sisu’…. 😀 (Look it up! – It’s a supposed Finnish quality)

    Being that I live in the Arctic environment all year round.. which btw is only just three quarters of it.. we have hot summers too.. 😀 I know just what you mean about the cold.

    Unless I am going out really walking in the snow, ice and cool coolness of the cold…. life is just normal… it is all about having a few layers, not anything too bulky. A thermal vest under my normal clothes and I am fine. Nanook of the North-isms only happen if I am not going by car…. and it is like -30c! 😀

    Actually, I LOVE IT… that is why I moved here.. Yeah read that again.. I moved here.. I chose this! (Translates as possible idiot perhaps?) LOL…

    The coldest I have ever known it here was -43c. That day we didn’t send the kids to school! 😀 OK… so strike Sodankylä, Lapland off your tour list! 😦

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