Ramblin’ Man

Today I’m gonna try a little writing experiment. If you’re reading this, then it went well. If you’re not reading this, I love you guts, and please send me a few thousand dollars and some raw denim jeans. Here’s the experiment: I’m going to open my mind’s flood gates and let whatever mad genius drivel is in there, spill out like a tidal wave of unicorn pee across the barren plains of cyberspace. Good idea? You’re about to find out. I literally have no clue what’s about to happen. And… Go…

Lots of people say that if they could have a super power, it would be flight. That’s not the power I would want. I mean, I get that flying would be awesome. But I’m afraid of heights. Do you think that if I had the ability to fly, I would get over that fear relatively quickly, or would I just be stuck with a power that I never want to use? What a waste. Like, you get a Christmas gift that you don’t really want, but you forget to return it. It’s kinda like you got no Christmas gift at all. Except you’ve got that set of power tools taking up space. Laughing at you. Taunting you. Saying “Don’t you wish you’d picked invisibility! When’s the last time you went for a little flight? Or built a birdhouse?” Waste, is all I’m saying.

Also, flying alone would probably get old fast. And people seem to think they’d just grab a friend and carry them on their back across the sky. Really? When’s the last time you gave your friend a piggyback ride? And would you really want to go flying on someone’s back when you’re susceptible to the laws of gravity and they are not? No. I get nervous on airplanes, and they have chairs and cocktails to make the ride more comfortable.

I think the real reason everybody wants flying to be their super power, is that they just lack imagination. Here is a short list of much cooler super powers, just in case you actually do get to pick one one day.

1- Super Linguists – The ability to speak and understand all languages. Human and animal! When you’re flying through the air, I’ll have a flock of birds poop on you.

2 -Super Central Bank Power – I don’t know if this counts, since a small group of people actually have this power already, but I’d take it in a second: The ability to create money out of thin air. You might destroy and economy or two, but it still beats flying.

3. Super Hepburnism – The ability to bring a young Audrey Hepburn back to life, and have her fall in love with me.

Take that Mr. Airplane boy!

Today is off to a good start, don’t you think?

Adios Muchachos,
Eliot

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2 Responses to Ramblin’ Man

  1. You’re going to have to fight me if you want Audrey. You got all my friends who can fly mad at you by having birds poop on them so they’ll help me and I’ll win; Victory through air power.

  2. Jen B. says:

    Super weather man or woman: the ability to change the weather at any moment. It can be used to procrastinate, provide warmth, or brighten up someone’s day. It would be useful to combat the ice storm tomorrow.

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