Does This Blog Make Me Look Fat?

                                        photo by Josh Lamkin

So I get an email from a local magazine a few weeks ago. Apparently they’re doing an article called, “Atlanta’s 50 most beautiful people,” or something horrific like that. And, they wanted me to “submit” for it.

Ok sure it’s flattering that someone thinks I might be an appropriate candidate for this probing piece of investigative journalism, but seriously?

They wanted pictures or course (i sent them the one above) but also, they wanted answers! Answers to some of the burning questions people might have for these 50 biological outliers. Questions like: “Are you high, medium, or low maintenance?” And, “What beauty product do you swear by?” To the latter I wrote: “Bulleit bourbon, it makes everyone look beautiful” That’s what I actually wrote. I only stress that point because after I submitted my questionnaire, I got an email saying I’d “made it to the next round!” woohoo! Really? And wait a minute, there are rounds?

The next “round” was a group interview with one of the magazine’s editors. After navigating Buckhead traffic and the corporate maze above which the high priestesses of fashion hold sway over the unfortunate masses of average beauty, I found myself in a small conference room with another candidate for enshrinement and a magazine editor freshly transplanted from The Emerald City itself, LA.

The gentleman sat to my left, the editor to my right. The guy was in his forties, well groomed, and in shape. Turns out he is a cop and a professional photographer. His wife was once Miss Georgia. He also volunteers at nursing homes once a week, and even reads the magazine religiously. Here’s how some some of my interview went.

“Why do you think you’re one of the 50 most beautiful people in Atlanta?”

“I don’t think that I am. You guys emailed me.”

“Why should we pick you for this article?”

“You should probably pick that guy, he’s perfect, I just play guitar.”

I have not heard back from them.  Let’s go get some bourbon.


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15 Responses to Does This Blog Make Me Look Fat?

  1. i’m afraid i have no intelligent comment to this, but it did make me laugh right out loud!

  2. Gilda Sue says:

    That ice cube looks so lonely. I think I need to keep it company. (As I type this there is a voice echoing from the back of my mind urging, “type faster, that thing’s going to melt before anyone gets a chance to even read your hilarious comment!” I think this is confirmation that yes, I do indeed need to get some bourbon. –Oh, what’s that?– Eliot, the voice also thinks you may need a makeover.)

  3. Jaime says:

    Oh, wow. Thanks for this. I’m trying to envision Asheville’s 50 most beautiful people….and, well, it’s just not going well.

  4. thanks for not abandoning us “normal” people, Eliot.

  5. Gordon Nash says:

    When they asked you about beauty products you should have said Maybelline Unicorn Horn Polish.

    • eliotjames says:

      hmm. I’m thinking the idea of “polishing my horn” might not have gone over well. But I like that you’re bringing unicorns into this.

  6. Juli Kearns says:

    I take it that having a wry sense of humor (perhaps any sense of humor at all) precludes being one of Atlanta’s 50 most beautiful. Sounds about right. As for those who make the cut, it’d be curious to know their responses to “Why do you think you’re one of the 50 most beautiful?”

    • eliotjames says:

      Exactly. I probably should have played along a little better, but just couldn’t do it that day. Oh well… mmmmm rye.

  7. Walt Sisson says:

    Um, bourbon and one ice cube is the only way to drink bourbon. Unless you don’t have any ice, then straight up is the way to go,

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